7 Facts You Need to Know About the Science of Emotion and Relationship:
1. Identity is the #1, fundamental, foundational human need, more important than food, water, oxygen and even safety.
(Identity = Do I exist? Do I matter?)
2. We are coded to move toward kindness and away from unkindness.
3. For connection to happen we have to be able to answer yes to these two questions:
Will you be there for me?
Am I good enough for you?
4. Every relationship has a cycle. The goal is to keep the cycle from becoming a cyclone. (Neither you or your partner/friend are the enemy. The cyclone is the enemy.)
5. Emotions happen to you. But you can choose your next action. (Anger is biological. Yelling is optional.)
6. The brain does not distinguish between emotional pain and physical pain. (“Just be happy!” is to emotional pain as “Just stop bleeding!” would be to physical pain.)
7. You cannot out logistic your own or anyone else’s emotion. (The less we resist emotion and the more we regard and validate it, the more efficiently it is processed.)
I have been studying the science of emotion and relationship since January. Eight months of practice later I can confidently and gratefully say that every one of these concepts have proven true and had a positive and profound impact on my marriage, my parenting and my own mental health. I would love to know how these ideas strike you. Do any of them surprise you as they surprised me?